Let Grow - Restoring childhood resilience by fighting the urge to overprotect

Just Look at This Girl Go — Thanks to a (Newly) Brave Mom!

runner girl

Pete Dominick of the Sirius radio show Stand Up with Pete Dominick had me on about a month ago,  and forwarded this note he received a couple weeks later:

Hi Pete,

I have to share with you what happened today, as it was partly due to your show. Today, our whole family (which includes my 11 year old daughter and almost 13 year old son) participated in a 5K of about 700 runners, mostly adults. 

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I told my daughter to stay with me on the course, which wound through the woods and fields of a state park. Shortly after we began and my husband and son disappeared from sight, my daughter started pulling ahead of me. I knew that I couldn’t keep up with her, so I called out to her to stay with me—I was insanely fearful that alone, she’d be dragged off into the woods, never to be seen again. But in that moment I realized she’d never have a chance of winning a medal if she had to run by my side. I thought of Lenore Skenazy on Stand Up and I made a decision to not allow my fear to hold her back. I told her to run—go for it! Follow the flags and don’t wait for me.  She took off like a shot and finished well before me—almost ten minutes before me!

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In my nervousness, I still stopped at every point manned by volunteers and asked if they’d seen her—they had and they all informed me she was way ahead.  The BEST part?
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She won a medal! She was so shocked and ecstatic at coming in third at the awards ceremony, that she was shaking with excitement and glowing with pride! She’d NEVER have had that moment of triumph had I let my fear win out. So, thank you Pete, for having Lenore frequently on the show and for sharing your own experiences of allowing your daughters to grow.  You helped give my daughter this beautiful moment, this triumphant memory.  
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As always, thanks for being an inspiration!
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Brandi

Letting go isn't easy in a culture that almost insists we keep imagining the worst case scenarios. But if you're inspired by Brandi's story, please let us know what it helped you to do, so we can continue the chain of change!  - L.

Reader Interactions

Discussion

COMMENTS 26

  1. That is such a great story on so many levels! This is a true story but it’s also an analogy of how anxious parents hold children back, keep them from excelling, and develop some pride in their abilities.

  2. What I mostly like about this story is that there are kids in 21st century America who are physically fit. With the advent of video games, computers, smart phones AND, of course, helicopter mentality, there are not as many kids in America nowadays who could pass a 1975 physical fitness test.

    According to recent data, American kids nowadays are fatter than their parents and grandparents were at their age and don’t have the strength and stamina they had. I think this is mostly due to the cyber world BUT helicoptering plays a huge role in it too. I’ve read where some modern day pediatricians and child advocates actually discourage kids from exercising. “Pushups will ruin their developing joints” and “Too much running will damage their developing knees” and “sit-ups will screw up their developing backs” yada, yada, yada and then they wonder why kids today are weak, overweight and diabetic. Then you have your clowns claiming that “Lifting weights will stunt a kid’s growth” which is a big myth, by the way.

    Ironically enough, a U.S.A. Today article a few years back quoted the National Academy of Pediatrics as saying that lifting weights was found to be good for pre-pubescent kids as long as they do lots of reps with very low weight and are supervised during their workout. It was discovered that weightlifting can actually increase the strength and endurance in pre-pubescent kids. I just about fell over when I read that! Finally, common sense prevails.

    • “Too much running will damage their developing knees”

      I can understand this argument. Consider this article from right here–kids training for a possible future career in sports getting injuries that usually only happen to professional players after years of playing.

      Of course, the societal problem is that there’s a setting somewhere between “too much” and “not enough.” Yes, I might think twice before letting my young child run a marathon (and do all the training that would allow them to be successful). But an hour of exercise in gym class probably won’t do too much damage to their developing knees and will have many benefits in other areas. These are the kinds of trade-offs that get made.

      Heck, I used to run a few miles a day when I was in High School–just to get from point A to point B.

      • I would never have a problem with my kid running a marathon if he was in good enough shape to do so and if he was up to the challenge. The problem is pushing a kid into a physical activity before he’s ready and especially when he lacks the motivation to accomplish the feat. I think some parents make this mistake. The kid would be more likely to suffer injuries then. But there are stories where parents pushed their kids very hard in sports and the kid turned into a success story because of it, I.e Brett Favre. I think people are oblivious to these kind of stories because the kid is now an adult giving his testimony on the Hall of Fame stage as to how hard he was pushed by his father on the youth football or baseball pitch. This is then followed by an applause and standing ovation by the crowd. But if he was telling his story while still a kid, his dad would probably be arrested for child abuse.

      • LOL…..wow! I think I remember reading this article a couple of years ago. It’s amazing how soft this country has gotten.

  3. This almost brought me to tears.

    How many kids are being kept back because of the fears of adults?
    How many women are being kept back not because of men but the fears of their mothers? If the attitude to allow her daughter to run as fast as she wanted from the get go, she may have kept up with her dad and brother. Maybe they’ll find out on the next marathon.

    Parents give sons a lot more freedom than daughters. I see this on the street where I see feral & free-range 8+ year old boys outnumber the girls in my urban DC neighborhood. The boys wander into the supermarket. The boys stroll the streets in Summer, on weekends, and hours after school have let out. The boys hang out in the parks. The older boys play basketball on the courts. So of course men would have a sense of entitlement because they’ve had experience being free since before being teenagers.

    • I had a parent tell me, with pride, that his daughter was never left alone until the age of 15.

  4. I commend the letter writer for overcoming this unjustified fear. I hope that she extends the repression of unjustified fear into other situations.

    One has to ask how constant and active supervision by a parent has come to be the standard of safety in all situations. The daughter is running is a race with 700 other participants. How could anyone think that this is a situation where a parent’s constant oversight is required for safety? I hope she realizes how insanely unjustified her fear of her daughter being dragged into the woods by a someone in such a situation is. She is not alone! There are 700 other participants that are running along side of her! It is absurd to think that any one of these people would not intervene should her daughter ‘be dragged off into the woods, never to be seen again.’ If the parent believes that there is a person who thinks that such an event is the ideal situation to perpetrate such a crime, why would she think her presence alone is what is preventing it from happening?

  5. What an amazing story! That little girl must be so incredibly proud. And I am proud of her!

    I will point out, though, that the moms level of anxiety is pretty extreme. I am the mom of that seven-year-old, and I live in a very helicoptery upper-middle-class area. But even my friends don’t reach this level of neurosis. The child was 11, and she was running on a closed track, which was staffed by volunteers every few feet? And the mom thought she needed to be with her? That really is pretty extreme. I can see my friends with kindergarteners being worried, but a middle-school child? (Which makes it all the more cool that the mom was able to give her daughter some freedom.)

    • Sorry, I was using voice-to-text. I am the mom of A seven year old, not “that” seven year old.

    • Totally agree. Not sure we should describe this level of anxiety on a mother’s part as anything approaching normal. Otherwise we’re WAY father gone than I’d realized.

    • Hi Heather…small clarification: it wasn’t a closed track, it was “…through the woods and fields of a state park.”

      • No, that’s true. I guess I was sort of exaggerating. I really meant, a defined track with flags/cones marking it out and stuff.

  6. Another beautiful story Lenore. I, too, teared up a bit when it was revealed the daughter actually won the third place medal…in a field of 700! It’s fabulous to hear how your outreaches have really made a HUGE difference.

  10. Great story!

    We went on vacation this past Spring to a remote island only accessible by boat. 2/3 of the island is national park, and my girls were delighted when the manager of the house we rented told them about the amazing running trails through the “preserve”. He told them about a trail that was off-road and his favorite and we headed off in our golf cart to find it.

    It was amazing. Beautiful scenery and running with my girls who are way faster than me, so I dropped back and told them to go ahead, I’d eventually catch up.

    When I came around the next bend in the trail, I encountered the largest black snake I had ever seen in my life (think Anaconda). Fight or flight is REAL and this momma chose flight as I turned around and sprinted away away away from largest scariest snake ever.
    Totally left my kids…ran back to the entrance and basically stood on top of the golf cart waiting and hoping they didn’t get eaten by the anaconda.

    My girls came back. They jogged back on the beach after backtracking and trying to find me. I told them about the snake. There apparently were signs in the preserve of endangered species and this snake (not poisonious or dangerous) was listed as one and apparently very rare to see. Yeah, me!

    The large rubber black snakes they got me for my birthday (and hid in my bed) were well deserved.
    My tween an teen daughters have better sense than I do to read signs😂.

  11. Bravo! I wonder whether the mother’s own upbringing involved so much Helicoptering. Not to mention the father’s. My mother’s told me she was plenty worried but recognized I would be ill-served by her indulging these. Parents are indeed more scared now. I’m still baffled why now in some places, v. not so much before, other places. My impression growing up in 60s, 70s was that tabloids, local news, groups looking to recruit re fear–abounded then too. We largely ignored such fear-mongering as trashy, pointless, harmful. Despite much exceptional parenting, I found them near impossibly controlling, hysterical, when it came to my driver’s permit: preparing for the licensing road test. Happily, my maternal “Papa” was happy to abide, and practically impeccable with me driving best I recall.

  12. Part of the reason for so much helicopter parents is the I know better than you about raising your kids and will get everyone who can make you miserable for not doing my way from cops to cps. Not everyone is strong enough to stand up against that stuff. And even strong people can’t last forever.

  13. I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEE this story!!!!!!!! Powerful. From Lenore’s emails and the entire Let Grow initiative, I started doing something a week or two ago… I have a daily reminder to “Let Grow”, and so that reminds me to be aware of opportunities to let me son have some space, independence, and “let grow” without me hovering over him or being overly-fearful. I’m enjoying it. Each day he’s with me, I’m always able to challenge myself by allowing him to “let grow” instead of defaulting to “no” out of my own fear!

  14. Heading home from the park yesterday with my 3 girls (ages 2, 3, and 5) my oldest realized that she had left her soccer ball behind. We had already crossed the road that borders the park. The walk home isn’t long, but I knew that getting all 3 girls to reverse course back to the park and then reverse again to go home would be a nightmare. I thought of this site, especially this post, and considered my options. The road she would need to cross–twice now–has a crosswalk and button-activated warning lights that she knows how to use. The whole walk home is only about 2 blocks and we have walked it many times together.

    I swallowed my fear and sent her back to the park by herself to look, while I kept walking toward home with the other two children. After about 10 seconds I was half-convinced she had been run over or something else awful had happened, but I kept walking and talking with my littles. The oldest caught up with us shortly before we got back to the house, distraught and crying because she couldn’t find the ball–and not one bit concerned about being apart from me or her sisters on her search! I was so proud of her for looking all by herself and coming back to find us on her own.

    The girls went to sleep unusually early last night so once they were out, I did another thing I normally wouldn’t. I left them at home and took the short walk (only about 2 blocks) to the park, found the ball, and brought it home. The whole trip was under 10 minutes. Of course I went straight upstairs to check on them as soon as I got back and they were perfectly happy and healthy, and still asleep. So, many thanks to Let Grow for helping my family look for a lost soccer ball!