School Pick Up Is a Pain. Why Can’t Kids Self-Dismiss?

It’s a question I get all the time. “School pick up is such a pain. Why am I required to pick my kid up when he’s fine walking home by himself?”

All I can say is: Because.

Because we have decided to re-write childhood as 18 years of  constant danger. Because we have decided to give in to outrageous demands by insurance companies, or compliance officers, or administrators who see no downside in treating all children as victims-in-waiting. And because we have decided to accept more and more rules that make not only make no sense, they require parents to drop everything else they’re doing (including work) or hire someone else, ($$$).

My Own School Pickup Story

My 12-year-old son had to early for the big day: getting his braces. I planned to meet him at the orthodontist and wrote a note asking for him to be excused at 1 o’clock. I included phone numbers and an email address so the school could contact me to ensure my son wasn’t trying to scam them.

The principal’s office’s response? No dice. An adult must come to fetch you.

So I did. But when I got to the school office, I couldn’t help but ask, “Why do you need me to escort him? You let him leave at the end of the school day by himself.”

At first the secretary laughed. “Tell me about it,” she said. “When my son needs to leave school early I have to go get him, too, and he’s 17. A football player! He should pick me up!”

We had a moment of solidarity about school pick up. Then I muttered, “What a ridiculous rule.” And something snapped. The secretary was no longer on my side.

“It’s for his safety,” she admonished me.

“Why is it safe when he leaves by himself at 3, but not at 1?”

“The school is responsible for him,” she clipped.

“Yes, but I’m willing to let him be responsible for himself. That’s why I wrote the note.”

“He could have forged it,” she said.

“That’s why I included my phone number.”

“Please! He could have anyone answer the phone for him.”

“But I left my husband’s number, too,” said I. “And an email address.” Would any kid line up two adult voices willing to cover for him, even as he hacked into my e-mail? If he’s that smart, he doesn’t need school.

“Why you wouldn’t want to ensure your son’s safety, I don’t know,” the secretary said, now cold as a shrimp cocktail.

Somehow I’d turned an ally into an enemy, just by poking a bit behind this scrim of school pick up “safety” that really has very little to do with safety, and a very lot to do with schools not wanting to get sued.

It’s time to rethink the system.

Not that I blame the schools. If a kid leaves early and gets hit by a car, some parents would sue. (There’s even a WikiHow article telling you how to do it!)

But that’s why we have to start thinking about changing everything we’re up against. A society that encourages and rewards crazy law suits. Schools that treat growing young people, even 17-year-olds, like babies. And especially adults who use the word “safety” the way 2-year-olds use the word “No!” It is a word that stops all rational conversation in its tracks.

Safety is the trump card we play when we don’t want to have to bother thinking a little harder about which rules really make sense, and what effect they’re having on our kids.

That day my son and I headed out the door together. A few steps later he sprinted a full city block ahead.  Seventh graders know they don’t need their moms to pick them up from school. It’s humiliating!

Maybe someday the schools will figure that out, too.

Help schools encourage independence in kids and teens with the Let Grow Project. Learn more about it here.