I Thought I Had to Be Teaching My Kids All. The. Time.

This “Ah ha!”-filled post comes to us from Abigail Weidmer, a homeschool mom and nonprofit grants consultant in Billings, Montana. Her three kids range in age from 2 to 7:

SURPRISE —  MY KIDS CAN LEARN WITHOUT ME!

By ABIGAIL WEIDMER

My first year of homeschooling, I was overwhelmed. Even though my daughter was only in kindergarten, I felt pressure to impart everything I have ever learned and will yet learn onto her. It wasn’t enough to teach reading and math — I needed to incorporate music, art, STEM, emotional health, money management, and more. 

Reading the Texas Essential Knowledge and Skills for Kindergarten only intensified what I was feeling. It was a 30-page document filled with expected outcomes such as:

As it turned out, trying to live up to impossible standards was stressful for me as a parent and not so fun for my daughter, either.

Although I lightened up throughout the year, realizing I couldn’t do it all (especially after giving birth to a third child mid-year), it wasn’t until halfway through first grade that I experienced a fundamental shift in my beliefs about homeschooling:

I was not as essential to my child’s education as I thought I was. 

Sure, I played a key role in teaching her basic skills and certain topics I thought would interest her. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not force her to absorb any of it. That part occurred during playtime, when she played “preschool” with her little brother and taught him about ocean zones, or curated museum exhibits with Legos, or drew wordless instructions for re-creating an original Lego house. 

The lesson really hit home for me one day when I walked downstairs and into a “museum” my daughter had designed with the help of her 4-year-old brother. She had drawn, colored, and hung space pictures around the room, including a map of our solar system. She had also designed a rocket crafting experience and set all of the required pieces at a place for each of us. Then she walked us through each step of the craft—a rocket made out of a marker so that the first and second stages (the marker and its cap) could separate after launching. 

That was the day I realized that homeschooling didn’t need to be as complicated as I was making it. My kids actually learned more when I did less. The greatest value homeschool offered my family was not that we could fit more extracurriculars into a day but that my children had more free time to deepen their learning through play. I started viewing free play time not as a luxury or a time for me to get stuff done without the kids (although it’s wonderful for that!), but as valuable time for my kids to integrate what they are learning into their lives. 

This year my daughter is in second grade at the public school, and I am homeschooling my son for kindergarten. Determined to still provide ample play time for my daughter and inspired by Let Grow’s suggestion of a Free Play Friday, I launched a play club in our new neighborhood where we moved over the summer.

With one exception, we have held it weekly since the beginning of the school year, and two other families regularly attend. The parents all agree it has been wonderful for the kids, and I love observing the truth of Let Grow’s aphorism: When parents step back, kids step up. 

For my homeschooled son, who normally clings to me or his sister, free play has been a low-key way to engage him in social situations he might avoid if he felt too much pressure. My daughter has blossomed individually and socially as she is free to carry out her own agenda. In October, she asked me if she could teach an after-school art class. Her enthusiasm was contagious: “I want to invite everyone, even people we don’t know! I just want everyone to be a great artist!”

Before this school year, I may have scoffed at the idea of hosting an art class, thinking it would take too much of my time. But instead, I said yes. I told her I would be around, but she was in charge. She invited her play club friends (and one other), and they now get together twice weekly—once for art class and once for Free Play Friday. 

The ironic part is that just prior to my daughter’s suggestion for an art class, I was starting to feel guilty about not providing my children more formal opportunities for learning. Yes, even after all I’ve witnessed for myself!

But had she been enrolled in more programs or lessons, we wouldn’t have had room in our schedule to start an art class, and she would have missed out on this valuable, self-initiated opportunity for learning. 

Someone recently asked me how I stay hands-off when the kids play at my house. While it is definitely easier when they are outside, the truth is they generally ignore me as long as I don’t insert myself. I think they crave the time without adult interference, and they do just fine without me. They resolve their own disputes and come up with their own creative solutions to challenges. I am barely involved at all, except to remind them to clean up. It’s a win-win.