When our kids were toddlers my husband vowed he was going to write a book, "How to Play with Your Kids Without Getting off the Couch." It would be filled with games like Bus Driver: "Sit on the couch and say, 'Everybody on the bus!'" And Shoe Store: "Sit on the couch and say, 'I'd like to try on some shoes!'"
And yet he, at least, goofed around with our boys. Me? Like Rebecca Onion, author of this great Slate piece called "Playtime Is Over!", I dreaded everything from playing catch to pretending to be a dog (or both at the same time. Arooooooo!).
Then I got in touch with David Lancy, author of The Anthropology of Childhood. Prof. Lancy has studied childhood on four continents, in areas rich and poor; rural, urban and suburban. It was a great relief when he said that not only is playing with kids not crucial for their development or happiness, other cultures find the idea so bizarre that to them, adults getting down on the ground to play with the kids was as weird as a parent wearing a diaper, or drinking from a baby bottle.
And yet in America today, a recent study of almost 4000 parents, rich and poor, found that if a child says, "Draw with me!" most respondents felt they should stop whatever they were doing and draw with the kid.
If how we got so invested in the idea we MUST play with kids interests you, check out the Slate piece. Onion found that many parents report feelings of "failure and inadequacy" when they don't want to play, or don't think they are fun or stimulating enough. She also found that while kids get some benefit from playing with the 'rents, it's not so much that you should beat yourself up if you're not doing it. (For the record, my mom claimed she never played with me.) Onion also heard from a pre-k teacher that kids whose parents have been ultra-involved in their playtime can end up being a little LESS creative and fluid, because their play style has been so directed by an adult.
Long story short: It seems as if there's nothing wrong with playing, or not playing, with your kids. So how are you handling play time over by you? - L
Have you seen the commercial, for a headache medication, I think, where the daughter asks the mother if she is well enough to play, and of course she is, having just taken the medicine. And there she is, in full pirate gear, sword fighting with her princess daughter, and I’m thinking, “Why isn’t that kid playing pirates with other kids?” If I had asked my mother or father to go outside and chase me through the forest with a toy sword, they would have checked me for fever.
lmao!! I’ve seen that commercial and thought the exact same thing!!
It’s one thing to sit on the floor with a three year old and play blocks or wind-up toys; it’s another to go whooping it around the neighborhood dressed in costumes with a seven year old. That would be cute and memorable to do once or twice, but when the kid counts on that as his every-day playmate, in my opinion that isn’t healthy for the kid.
There’s that other commercial too….. the one for Care.com. Have you seen it? A little girl asks “Am I cute? I think I am” but unfortunately, her parents are too busy cleaning the house to play with her. So, the commercial says, they should hire a house cleaner so they have time to play with her. Every time it comes on, I cringe.
Ive seen that one. I hate it so much. My mom and i agreed that its so cringey. Her response to it was “give the kid a rag and make her help.” I agreed. Theres plenty of chores for a bored five or six year old.
I’m in Australia and I haven’t seen the commercial. However, when you describe it to me it sounded like typical tv bullshit. The first thing that came to mind was a scene from The Brady Bunch. After Cindy made only one sneeze, she was rushed to see a doctor!
I don’t remember that episode. I always thought of The Brady Bunch as a fairly free-range family. The kids walked to school by themselves, played outside and traversed the neighborhood independently, and they always tried to solve their own problems before getting the adults involved.
I was ten when my sister came along and I remember telling my mom I didn’t have anybody to play with whenever my neighbors weren’t around. She told me “use your imagination.” And I did. I credit my free play and solo book reading to my creativity level today. My kids are a bit lucky because they have each other and are spaced pretty close together, but even only children don’t need their parents to play with them. Kids are little creative geniuses and are developing their skills every time they figure out how to relieve boredom on their own.
I wonder if feeling the need to play with / entertain our children is in some way linked to shrinking family sizes? I think I played a lot more with our oldest child before his sister is born; now they play together and I’m off the hook!
I’ve thought of that, too. I don’t remember my mom playing with us much, but I have no memories from before my sister was born, because we’re so close in age. It’s one thing to not play with your kids and send them off to play together; it’s another to insist that your child has to play *alone* for much of the time, if they’re too young to be outside with the neighborhood kids, or if the neighborhood kids don’t go outside anymore.
Points above about shrinking family size strikes me as right on. But an additional reason is what is at the of the free range movement: kids are kept inside and supervised. If a gaggle of friends is over and feel free to roam multiple rooms in the house, or if kids are outside with the range of their street and hopefully parks and woods to explore with other kids – they don’t want to play with adults. [I see now that Sandy R already make this point]
Kids say “play with me”. because there is no one around other than the supervising adult!
“Kids say “play with me”. because there is no one around other than the supervising adult!”
That’s not really my experience these days. I take my preschooler to the playground, and the playground will be full of toddlers and preschoolers, each playing with his or her own parents and absolutely never interacting with the other kids. I try my best to not play with my son in those situations, because he SHOULD be playing with other kids, but it’s tough for a 4-year-old to get involved in a game that involves 1 other 4-year-old and 2 30-year-olds!
This has been my experience as well. Even on the playground, most little kids are followed around by their parents.
Right now we live in a pretty remote area without many kids around, but I’m hoping that, next year, if we move to a more densely populated area of a more “progressive” city, I’ll make some more connections with parents who are willing to let their kids just… play.
As it is, my son is an only child and there are no other kids his age in the neighborhood, so it’s play with an adult, play by himself (which he does, to an extent) or (especially if my parents are watching him) turn on the TV. 🙁
I have had other parents stop their child from playing with mine (when he wasn’t doing anything crazy). The other kids were trying to follow mine up a play area rock wall and their mothers pulled them off saying it was too risky. It was really so sad to watch.
I had a delightful experience yesterday. My husband came home with a yearning to take the girls to the field across the street and play t-ball. I was cooking, so I followed later. Saw a bunch of boys playing their own game of baseball and what I assumed to be someone’s little sister playing t-ball with my own kids. The little girl politely said “hi” to me as she continued to love upon my daughters and my dog (poor patient dog) but it was nice being the only adults there and that kids were willing to play with each other.
My son and I both cherish the times we have played together. As he gets older, I’ll continue doing it. I don’t think my presence is putting a damper on his creative abilities. I’m also not doing it to “stimulate” or “entertain,” we are actually just playing and bonding, and he gets plenty of bored time to figure things out by himself.
Dropping what you are doing because a child says, “Draw with me,” is a different issue. It’s about who is in charge of the adult, and the idea that a child must never be told, “No.” I think that goes well beyond playing with a child.
This, exactly.
Absolutely
As you/others here have remarked, a successful upbringing should prepare kids for adulthood as well as tenable. To me, parents who always drop everything to be forever at their kids’ beck and call are doing them a disservice. There should be boundaries. Kids need to learn that loving parents, like others they will encounter as lives unfold, can’t always be highly attentive. They needed to work, too, in order to provide for us, our homes, property, pets…. They also need to have their own lives, including to be decent role models. Also, so that when they DO play, attend to us, it’s when, in ways, THEY find this rewarding, not an unwelcome burden. Who imagines kids don’t pick up on difference? Who imagines kids not best off respecting parental boundaries–like others throughout life: only sometimes happy to play, available to be attentive? Who imagines not important for kids to learn to play, amuse themselves, work on their own tasks/responsibilities? How can a kid mature responsibly, aptly interacting w/ others–ultimately off to college, whatever adult worlds–be duly prepared if kept w/in parental bubbles, endless supervision at school? Expecting others to ever be at her beck and call? Expecting that love means a person will never say ‘no’; that their lives will revolve around her? With no notable obligations, needs, desires, friends, colleagues, passions of their own?
The other thing about parents not always being available to play with their kids is, sometimes they’re not available because they’re doing adult things, and that gives kids a bit of a “window” into the adult world–into skills they haven’t learned yet, and interests they might take up later. My parents often said that they were busy reading, and that’s probably part of the reason why I asked my mom to teach me to read when I was three. She was happy to comply……once she finished reading her newspaper, of course. So, I got two lessons for the price of one–reading, and patience.
I have to wonder if even “play dates” are becoming too scary for some parents? Avoid all possibility of problems with other people and their kids – keep them home alone with you. When my son was little, other parents and I had no problem letting the kids plan play time together while at school, and then ask parents for permission (and a ride if they were across town). Absent conflicts, none of us ever said no. We all knew a parent was somewhere within shouting distance, so no worries. It seems like my son and his friends all had either ADD or ADHD, so us parents were happy for a little respite. Did I or any of the other parents play with the kids? Nope. Too many adult things to do.
Like anything else, I think it’s all about balance.
Some time playing with parents is great – kids expand their language skills, learn new games, and just plain have fun with you (emotional credit in the “bank” for when you need them to behave just to please you.)
Some playtime without you is great too – they learn how to make decisions, figure out what suits them, negotiate with each other, and be patient (and occasionally bored.)
Sales targets emotion/insecurities. Whether or not the vision makes any sense is irrelevant. In Australia, we have an ice cream advertisement. It has a big muscle bound guy asking you, “Are you man enough to handle all of this chocolate and nuts?” This makes no sense at all. I think a seagull would be ‘man’ enough!
Are you playing with your children enough? Will they be emotionally scarred for life because you didn’t play with them enough? Can you live with yourself with this neglect? Do you value a cup of coffee over your children’s happiness and piece of mind?
Sales do this because it works. They always will and we can’t legislate for them to have morals. The only thing a person can do is to:
1. See through it.
2. Don’t fall for the con by,
3. Understanding your own emotions.
4. Learn how to manage the elephant. (this takes work and lots of practice)
If you wait for others to make the world a better place, don’t hold your breath! It’s up to each and every person to learn how to control your own emotions. Jonathon Haibt refers to the two parts of the brain as an elephant and a rider.
“The image that I came up with for myself, as I marveled at my weakness, was that I was a rider on the back of an elephant. I’m holding the reins in my hands, and by pulling one way or the other I can tell the elephant to turn, to stop, or to go. I can direct things, but only when the elephant doesn’t have desires of his own. When the elephant really wants to do something, I’m no match for him.”
I’m a single child and I can count with my hands how many times my mom played with me after me asking her. She was a stay at home mom and still she had other things to do than playing with me. Guess what? Now I know that her not playing with me when I asked her turned out very well. I had to learn to entertain myself and this is something invaluable. What she did though was to let me bring kids over to play with or let me go to my friend’s houses to play and weekends where all about playing with friends while camping.
I do things like blocks with my 3 year old, and often run around, swim in the ocean, etc, with my older kids. The older ones are old enough to play games with us, which is by nature something to do together. ( My boys, 9 & 7, just started to learn * Splendor *)
Thanks for this piece, Lenore! A few years back, following one of my keynotes, a young mom approached and asked me if she always had to play with her child. I stared at her for a few moments — because I had no idea what she meant! When it finally dawned on me, I explained why playing by herself was good for her child. And, later, I tried to imagine what it would have been like to have my mother always playing with me. I love my mom, but…no thanks!
I think one aspect of this gets lost in these dry academic studies: Playing with children can be a lot of fun. Remember how fun tag was when you were a kid? Or spending an afternoon building with Legos? Or making up goofy songs? I have kids now, and frankly it’s just as fun as I remember. Good exercise, too–chasing a kid around a park for an hour is a good way to learn how out of shape you are!
The key factor, as always, is the unique relationship between parent and child. We’re all different, and we all interact with our children different. Just as all adults have different needs/wants/hobbies, all children have different needs/wants–and just as romantic partners need to learn to live with each other’s proclivities, so do parents and children. We need to learn, as a society, to accept and embrace the plurality of parenting styles that necessarily arises from the fact that we’re not all robots.
I’m not a parent myself but I learned that 10-year-old boys seem to love playing “Hide and Seek”. When my little brother of the Big Brothers program was over at my house years and years ago (He’s 30 now and married with a son of his own), Jake insisted on playing Hide and Seek. So I’d count to 10 and he’d go hide in a closet somewhere in the house and visa versa. Well, this past summer, the 10-year-old neighbor boy was over at my house and guess what he wanted to play with me? Hide and Seek! Football tag in the yard was a popular game with him too.
I have no memory of my mom playing with us. I have memories of my dad rough-housing with us kids, but that’s a far cry from the creative play I think this is pushing on us. My husband rough-houses with our kids, but we rarely actually join in some imaginative game beyond the occasional tea party.
I never did get it. I’m not opposed to the parents who play with their kids, but it’s no fun for me and I don’t think it makes or breaks me as a mother.
The worst was when my elder was very little–she would not ask me to play with her, she was trying to get me to play with her toys FOR her. I stopped that right there. Today, she’s a fun-loving kindergartener with a vivid imagination who can play very well by herself or with other kids.
On a tangent, I found myself in a situation I found strange several times. I am at a playground or something similar, watching my kids while I fiddle on my phone or read a book, and some other kids come up to talk to me. Not give a neighborly or polite greeting, but to hang out with me. And I’m a teacher and therefore probably a nice person so I participate, but the entire time I’m thinking “Why are you hanging out with me instead of these far more interesting kids?”
I regret playing with my son – sort of. I was a bit over the top. We both really enjoyed it. I loved it and he became dependant on it. A few years later, I didn’t have as much time for him. He resented this A LOT! He revolted and turned cold to me for about 15 years!
When I say that I was over the top, what I mean is that it was too often. I wish that we didn’t play as often as we did. He didn’t want to play at all (or talk to me) when I became busier. I know this is a normal teen thing but I think that I aggravated it.
Donald, this wasn’t your fault. If you’d continued to spend tons of time with your son as he got older, then he would have resented you for being around too much. Unless you were ignoring him completely (or, conversely, hovering over his every move), you were fine.
I don’t recall my parents playing with us much at all when we were kids. There was the occasional whiffle ball game in the back yard with dad, and once in a while mom would come and join whatever we were already doing, but mostly we were left on our own to entertain ourselves, and we liked it that way. In fact, I distinctly remember a time when my brother and I were playing (we were maybe 4 and 7 years old) and mom came into the room with a board game and said, “Want to play a game?” and we both said, “Nah.” Then because I was such a sensitive kid I felt terrible about not playing with mom when she wanted to play with us! LOL
We played with them a lot when they were toddlers and babies but as they got older, I refused to be their entertainer. It’s good for kids to get bored and find hobbies and ways to entertain themselves. We have traditions we still keep now that they are teens and I thoroughly enjoy cooking, crafting, and gardening with my kids.
But this is not the Ringling Bros Circus. I got one ring here. Find other rings and go play with other kids. Go play outside and get dirty and sweaty. Mom needs to get some shit done around here.
Exactly. Because my parents didn’t entertain me, I found ways to entertain myself. As a result, even as an adult, I have more hobbies than I can afford or keep up with, and even in the absence of a hobby I have no problem entertaining myself. My wife, not so much. It took me almost 20 years to get her to see the value in having a hobby.
Like all parents, I love my kids more than life itself. But I am selfish. I have never had the attention span to play with my kids. So I don’t and rarely have. My oldest is 10 and invents stuff out of garbage. My daughter is 7 and reads constantly. They are both extremely bright and happy. I always make time to talk to them about friends and find books at the library I think they will like. It’s worked out well.
I treasure all the time I spent with my kids–playing, reading, cuddling, talking about their days. I even treasure the times when they were sick and miserable and I just held them close. They wanted my attention back then, they craved it, and that time will never come again. So yeah, I spent a lot of time with them, and I would do it again. Even more, if I had it to do over again.
But *not* because children playing by themselves are in some grave physical or psychological danger. That, to me, is the insanity. I want to tell all parents of young children to build relationships and build memories, not prevent tragedies.
But you know what? Despite all the attention of myself and my wife, my kids still had a lot of time on their own. They built fairy houses, manned lemonade stands, made up dollhouse worlds, and climbed trees. There was no shortage of adult-independent time. Part of that is because there were four of them and only two of us. But I think a huge part of it is because we did *NOT* give them their own personal televisions, tablets, phones, or anything else with screens. Those devices, as much or more than helicopter parenting, are destroying childhood.
The more time goes by the more I suspect that the best thing (or one of the best things) I do with my son and with the kids I work with is to look right at them when they talk. Look at them and keep looking until they’ve said their peace. In other words, really, actually, respectfully listen. Wow, is this a radical thing to do with kids! I can tell it’s a real gift to them, and I’m so grateful I had the awareness to understand the power of such a seemingly simple, old-fashioned habit.
My experience can’t be too different from many others born in 1946: we were the first in our families, to be followed by several in quick succession, after our fathers (and in my case, my mother) came home from the war. Perhaps my mother played with me before the twins arrived 2 years later — I don’t recall. But after that, she was too busy with them and the brother that arrived in 1951. The upside was that we had siblings to play with, and we were good at making our own fun either alone or together.
I’ll admit it: I don’t know how to play, I don’t enjoy it and I avoid it. And my son’s therapists have praised his ability of independent play.
We have family who have a “1 adult must be playing with 1 child at all times” policy, meaning no child should ever play alone, AND no adult should be splitting their attention on two or more children at a time. I don’t know what horrors they imagined would happen if one adult was playing with 2 children or, worse horrors, if 2 children were playing alone. I can say that those kids ended up pretty spoiled. Not sure what will happen when they go to college. But I really didn’t want that for my kid. I can count on my hand how many times my parents stopped to play with me, and I know a couple of those were frustrating for me because I wanted to play my way and not theirs. My son sees me doing adult things, and he’s very creative, so I don’t think I’ve scarred him too much.
Hey Beth, I’m just curious–what happens in that family if the kids WANT to play without an adult, or even if two kids jointly ask one parent to join them in, say, playing a board game? Is that not allowed?
This might be a spin-off of the adults playing with kids versus kids playing independently thing, but I can’t help but fear that, if kids expect their parents/caregivers to play with them, will they also expect those adults to sit with them while they do homework, practice musical instruments, et cetera, when they get older? I mean, sometimes play is open-ended, but other times, it happens in the form of a “project” that a child might choose to take on–draw a picture, build a castle with blocks, make a princess (or prince) crown from construction paper or poster board, build a snowman, et cetera. Kids don’t realize it, but this can serve as “practice” for later in life, when the tasks might be something like, finishing a page of math problems, or writing a simple story, or learning to play Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star on the violin…..doing a book report, writing an essay, cooking a spaghetti dinner, fixing a bicycle or a car, et cetera. The act of independently setting out to do a specific task, and seeing the task to completion, is a life skill, that actually starts earlier in life than a lot of people realize, and adults shouldn’t sabotage that by trying to “help” all the time.
This makes me feel so much better. I have four kids — three preschoolers and a newborn. I love DOING things with them — going to community events, running errands, cooking dinner — but I have so far found playing with them (toys, pretend, etc) to just feel frustrating and difficult. That thing that other people talk about, rediscovering the joy of play from their own childhood? I can’t access that.
I’ve felt like an awful parent hampering my children’s development for not playing with them as often as they ask me to. This post is such an immense relief.