Hey -- The Letters to the Editor about the New York Times' piece on "relentless parenting" were all lovely -- and that's not just because ours was one of them! One letter, by psychologist Bennett Pologe, noted that:
...Helicopter parents focus on their children’s success in societal terms, on beating the Joneses; free-rangers want their children to be strong, self-determined, at peace, what we used to call self-actualized...
Very true, although Free-Rangers have nothing against traditional success or doing well! It's just not the only, or even primary goal.
Another letter, by Georgianna T. Roberts in Cleveland, said that:
As grandmothers and early-childhood professionals, my colleagues and I have observed the changes taking place in our society's approach to child-rearing over the last 30 years.
Though times may have changed, little children have not. They need what they have always needed.
That is: loving parents and a chance to play.
A letter by a pediatrician named W.L. Lupatkin castigated the American Academy of Pediatrics for making recommendations based less on evidence than on current cultural practices, "often to the detriment of children (think delayed introduction of peanuts and peanut allergy)."
In my own pediatric practice, when asked about questions of child-rearing philosophy, I always told people the opinion of the academy, explaining that it was only an opinion; gave my own opinion; and then said they should really ask their grandmother.
A wise doctor. And then there's our letter, too:
To the Editor:
Your article about how much time parents think that they must spend schlepping, coaching, reading to, playing with and supervising their children is a great summation of why both generations are so anxious these days.
Parents are stalked by the twin fears that their children will be unsafe — or not get into Harvard. That’s obviously anxiety-producing. As a result, their children have no unsupervised time — and that is anxiety-producing, too. When all your time is directed by others, you have no evidence that you can handle challenges or make things happen, and you feel unprepared for a world you’ve been told is filled with pitfalls and danger.
Giving children back some unstructured, unsupervised time, though, is hard for parents to do on their own. But when schools encourage all parents to do so; when communities pledge to support children’s being out and about on their own; and when states pass bills like Utah’s free-range parenting law — that’s when we can start to turn the tide on a standard of over-involvement that is driving both parents and children nuts.
Lenore Skenazy, Peter Gray
Jackson Heights, QueensMs. Skenazy is president of Let Grow, a nonprofit promoting childhood independence and resilience, and the author of “Free-Range Kids.” Dr. Gray, a psychologist, is a co-founder of Let Grow and the author of “Free to Learn.”
Read the original article here (including over 1000 comments), and the letters to the editor here. A lovely way to end the year!
The drive to be better than the neighbors. Indeed!
As a lifelong Scout leader, both Boy Scouts of America and Girl Scouts of the USA, I reminded my young friends that the Promise/Oath does not require them to be perfect, rather, to always try to do their best.
Dean–I wish there was a way to “like” your comment here. I worked at a college and due to teaching an intro level class, interacted with a lot of first year students who were so afraid to make a mistake that they were in my office all day long asking about homework or assignments (some worth as little as 20 points each) and about clubs and whether to go home for a weekend or stay and study (I suggested hanging out and meeting new friends). Our kids are so worried about making mistakes that they are not enjoying life. And they haven’t developed the awareness to evaluate their effort on its own merits or feel accomplished in what they do for it’s own sake.
Bravo, Lenore! You, and all the “LetGrow-ers,” deserve immense congratulations for your wonderful-amazing-beautiful accomplishments this year! Happy New Year, and on we go! ✨🎉🎈✨
The article’s main goal appears to be to stoke resentment of the middle and upper-classes by those lower down the ladder, as it took no pains to ask whether helicopter parenting is actually beneficial to the children of the former. It’s wrong to take for granted, as it is by the writer, that intensive parenting is beneficial (for it’s not), nor should it be taken for granted that those who practice it do so out of unadulterated altruism (for I don’t believe they do). In the Koch Brothers’ America, it’s safe to say that virtually everyone outside the 1% is experiencing economic insecurity, and has been since the 1970s. The writer should have looked at how this erosion of standard of living gives most American parents a common psychological incentive to over-parent, instead of assuming that helicoptering is a purely selfless trend. In short, the writer’s argument has been seen before, and it generates more heat than light.
This is way off topic but seems like parents and kids on this blog would love the little known but terribly good book Momo by Michael Ende. Same guy that wrote The Neverending Story. Both fantastic reads and very free range. Momo is especially poignant nowadays where it’s rush rush to get into Harvard and who cares about the rest of life.
Bravo guys! Sad to see the one published letter speak as “As grandmothers and early-childhood professionals, my colleagues and I ….” Seemingly reflecting persisting heaping of parenting, grand-parenting on women.
I’ve often found experience — including professionally, socially — invaluable not for the tips I learned to accomplish this/that task. Surprisingly often, invaluable instead to learn how with so much there ARE no (precise) rules: that we can proceed comfortably, tenably relying on what makes (common) sense.
As for parental goals, I worry about what strikes me a lack of healthy boundaries. We would have regarded it strange for my parents to get congratulated for their children’s accomplishments. Not that they don’t deserve plenty credit, but ….
Economic insecurity drives so much of this. My dad (age 77) often talks about how, at the time he graduated college, if you had a pulse you could get a good job to support a family, buy a home and have a decent life. By the time I came of age, it pretty much took two incomes to do what my dad did on one, but jobs were still relatively plentiful and decent. Now jobs are getting scarce and the ones there are are more and more “gig” jobs or “service” jobs like big box stores. There is a justifiable fear among parents that their children simply won’t have the kinds of opportunities they did and their kids are headed for more miserable lives. Granted, the cure can be worse than the disease, but I don’t think parents can be faulted for doing whatever they think will give their kids a leg up in this hyper-competitive market climate.
I don’t worry at all about my kids finding jobs. I think some of the fear stems from the outrageous cost of college and investing in a degree that may or may not land a decent job.
Instead of focusing on the degree, we let our kids focus on what are they doing to get where they want to go in life- not all kids want to go to college right away (ours isn’t) and can find work starting up their own ventures while in high school. The gigs they get as teenagers can open doors to future jobs and opportunities that will shape their future. There are lots of good jobs in trades.
Let your kids guide you. Parenting is so much easier when we listen to our kids, our moms and dads, grandparents, and not every danger on the evening news.