The Perfect Gift…That Can Change Your Life
What can change your life for the better?
Hope and a plan of action.
That’s what you get in the book Everyday Vitality. It’s by Let Grow board member – and Columbia University Prof. of Psychiatry – Dr. Samantha Boardman. And you know that at Let Grow we believe action changes everything.
That’s a realization Boardman came to when, early in her psychiatry career, a patient walked in and announced that she hated coming to therapy! “All we do is talk about the bad stuff in my life…. Even if I’m having a good day, coming here makes me think about all the negative things,” said the patient – who quit.
That shocked Boardman into wondering if maybe the patient had a point: Why DOES psychology dwell so much on the past? Why DOES it allow – encourage — patients to ruminate? Why doesn’t it push patients to go out and do something new that connects them to people, or a purpose, since we know that feeling needed and competent makes people (including kids!) feel better?
Gradually Boardman became convinced that rather than trying to help patients to change their thoughts as the key to changing their lives, she had to flip it: Help patients change their lives to change their thoughts.
Boardman’s research dovetails with Let Grow’s belief that only action – not pondering – can fight anxiety, including the anxiety many parents have about letting kids do things by themselves.
It isn’t until you actually let go (perhaps with the help of our free Let Grow Experience for Schools or our Family Edition) that you can finally get past the “WHAT IF?”s that are so paralyzing. Only by letting our kids do something new, on their own, do we get the bracing, brain-rewiring splash of reality: They can do it!
That real-world experience changes parents in a way that simply thinking about independence can’t.
How do you get yourself to start taking more of those life-changing actions? That’s what we asked Boardman about, starting with —
LET GROW: Everyday Vitality – what does that mean?
There are things we can do every day to have a better day, or at least a bad day backup plan.
LET GROW: Usually we hear we all have to dig deep to discover past trauma…
I kind of debunk some of these ideas that are so engrained in the way we think about mental health: “Drill down to the core and then the skies will part.” All of that is a deeply flawed way to think. Happiness doesn’t come from WITHIN it comes from WITH.
LET GROW: So in some ways, psychology, or at least pop psychology, lets us sort of stagnate. Can you tell us any instances you’ve seen of this?
At some schools, they’ve trained the faculty to look for distress. So students are learning to identify as an “anxious person.” But in the past, families dealt with polio and iron lungs and your father in the war and he’s missing. The idea that this era is uniquely traumatic –
LET GROW: Is belied by history?
Including 9/11! One of the people I worked with had been in the first tower. When the elevator opened, a fireball came in and he was burned over 90 percent of his body. Five years later, he gave this wonderful grand rounds [talk] about learning to navigate a life with that kind of loss.
LET GROW: It is hard to believe how resilient people can be.
There’s even research that when you’re constantly asking somebody, “Are you okay?” it’s likely to make them feel less okay. I don’t want to dismiss the reality where people are suffering, but we’re living in a world where the narrative is, “You should feel helpless and hopeless in the face of any challenge.”
LET GROW: Your book is filled with actionable suggestions to help us change, like the “WOOP” exercise: Instead of just thinking, “I’d like to make new friends,” or “start exercising,” or “feel happier,” you say the idea is to WOOP it: Wish for something, imagine the Outcome, then think of the biggest Obstacle, and Plan a way around it so you can get going. Why don’t we understand that the secret to a better life – and I mean this for kids as well as adults — is ACTION?
Self-absorption or self-immersion kind of protects us from having to venture out into the world and do things that go beyond ourselves. We have an excuse to fixate on ourselves and immerse in our emotions. But to think that is going to provide a pathway out – that’s a false promise. And it’s expensive and isolating and it takes people away from the very things that make them feel strong, which is other people, and feeling they’re efficacious, feeling they can contribute to something beyond themselves.
LET GROW: Say someone comes in and they’re distraught about something they’ve said or done. How can they start doing anything when they’re so miserable?
To stop people from spinning their wheels I say, “What would a fly on the wall say about what just happened?” Or, “What would my future self say?” Or, “How would someone you admire react?” You’re not dwelling anymore – you’re coming up with a plan.
Just thinking is not going to get you from where you are to where you want to be. We’re told to think positively all the time, but the empty promise of being more optimistic without doing something to make things happen means you’ll end up exactly where you started. [We have to] override those impulses to withdraw or isolate.
LET GROW: So your mission is?
What I really try to do is close that intention/action gap.
LET GROW: So does Let Grow! And your book truly helps! We’ve heard from friends: “I pick up this book to get myself going.” And, “When my mom is down, I remind her to read the book.” It’s a real-life life-changer.
Want some help learning to step back so your kids can step up? Take The Pledge of Independence and we’ll send you our 10-week series of Independent Actions Cards to help you make things happen!
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