This Halloween, Don’t Steal the Magic

It was October 2018, and the phrase “Let Grow!” had permeated much of the K-5 parent community as our schools had embraced the Let Grow Experience.

Saying “Let Grow!” while lifting our shoulders or raising our eyebrows and looking for confirmation had become a strength-lending mantra for parents. It gave us the courage to let our kids try new things. It became a two-word explanation for why we were giving our kids some new independence, letting any potentially-judgy adults know that we were doing this “Let Grow” thing intentionally.

And so, after the month-long Hallo-pa-looza that has become October, the 31^st was finally here. A few families, including ours, had gathered for pre-trick-or-treating pizza at a friend’s house on a popular street where the houses are close enough that kids can fill a pillowcase with candy in no time. It’s a treasured anomaly in our town where most of us can’t see our neighbors.

After they rushed through dinner, the four 4^th-grade girls announced they wanted to go trick-or-treating on their own. There was a pause in the room, and the moms turned their heads in unison to look at me, the local champion of the Let Grow initiative, for my thoughts (permission?). 

Of course, I enthusiastically said yes, knowing the girls would be okay and much preferring to hang out with the adults and chat. The other moms hesitantly but courageously said OKAY, too.

The girls were thrilled. As they hurried towards the door, the moms bravely said, “Goodbye! Have fun!” as they glanced back at me. 

“Hang on, hang on,” I said, beckoning the kids back in the house. I explained that we trusted them to handle themselves appropriately, and reviewed some reminders: stay together, stick to the side of the narrow road, and use the flashlight especially when they saw an oncoming car. 

Suddenly, the air changed in the room. Two moms got cold feet and said, “Never mind, we’ll go with them.”

To say my daughter was annoyed would be an understatement. But I was shocked, too. Didn’t these ladies just say yes? Wasn’t it the responsible thing to remind kids of the parameters? Somehow, the moms could have let go a minute ago but thinking about any risk made this impossible. Their distress was too overwhelming. It made them shut down. Then, they shut down their kids’ opportunity to grow, too.

In my work as a parent coach, I call this the “Suffocate or Abandon” mindset.

 We parents “suffocate” our kids when we let fear drive the bus. We overprotect and over-manage. Or we go to the other extreme and “abandon” our kids when we just close our eyes and let them go – void of skills, boundaries, or guidance. Neither way is helpful or effective.

The less absolute, infinitely more effective middle mindset takes a little more time to come to us, but it is beautiful when you get there. It includes an “and” that is made up of “We trust you to build your competency, AND here are some things to guide you.”

For our children to build a life worth living, we parents must learn how to manage our fears so we don’t make the world a scary place for them. We must find the middle path, giving our kids guidance and boundaries, along with the chance to learn the skills they need to be successful humans out in the world. 

This Halloween, try taking the middle path: State your expectations, share some tips, and express confidence. Then, see how your kids can find joy and adventure while you do the same. Go have a date night or hang out with a friend.

The path may seem spooky, but hey – it’s Halloween. Have a happy one!

Vanessa Elias, a certified parent coach, speaker, writer, and mental health activist makes so much sense it’s SCARY! She helps people build relationships and community both within the home (Thrive with a Guide) and beyond (Block Party USA). You might have read about her work on “The Anxious Generation” website.