I Played Dodgeball at My Son’s School. The Way They Played Shocked Me

Forgive the clickbait title – that actually sums up what this mom saw when she played dodgeball with her son. Here is her email!

Hi Lenore!

How are you? I was thinking about something that happened recently and was wondering if you had heard any similar accounts.

I went to a mother son event at my kids’ school. It was dodgeball and laser tag. Moms and kids played. I had bragged to my kids about how good I was at dodgeball as a kid so I had no choice but to participate. One thing I noticed was that the kids cheated so much!

My oldest son had told me it was the case but I didn’t take him seriously until I saw it with my own eyes. Even when their own moms had clearly got their own kids with the ball and were telling them to leave the court they would not. When it was over and I told my oldest son “they cheat so much,” his response was to sigh and give me a “I told you so” look.

This was never the case when I was growing up. If there was a cheater, it was a huge deal. There would be a lot of arguing, yelling, and lots of frustration. Eventually and after some thoughtful negotiation there would be some resolution based on consensus. Some of the possibilities were to start over, to eject the cheater, give or take away extra points, etc. If all else failed, the game would be over.

It was not perfect and sometimes the cheaters won, which is in itself a very important life lesson. However, a huge difference seems to be the amount of agency the kids feel they have. The ability to affect an outcome is hugely empowering. Wouldn’t we want them to learn to fight for what’s right?

I wonder how much of the excessive cheating is driven by adult intervention. When a game is refereed by a grownup it may lead to less investment into making it fair by the kids playing it. If the adult in charge doesn’t see the cheating or lets it slip, then the cheater can keep playing over the protests of the other kids, which in turn creates a sense of powerlessness and an attitude of “why bother.”

How many missed opportunities to learn about fairness, cooperation, compromise, honesty, self advocacy, self control, grit, accountability, accepting failure gracefully and more? It’s very sad to think that kids will grow up without really learning these. The amount of growth happening in independent play truly is underestimated.

THANK YOU for all the work you do to foster childhood independence! I hope that more and more people feel encouraged to let kids grow.

Let Grow Here: This letter has us nodding and almost crying. Kids DO need agency, and they get it by doing some things on their own — including playing! That’s why we so heartily recommend schools stay open before or after school for a mixed-age, no-phones, loose-parts Let Grow Play Club. Adults are there only as LIFEGUARDS. They don’t organize the games — or figure out how to deal with cheaters! The kids do that themselves, building the social and psychological skills they need. All our materials are FREE! Schools, get them here. Parents, start a Play Club in your nabe! Sign up for our materials, including a Play Club guide, here! 

And if you’d like to talk about this post and the cheating issue in general, head over to our Raising Independent Kids Facebook group for our discussion forum.